


Take Me Somewhere New

by ang_the_adverse



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional, Extremely Dubious Consent, M/M, Relationship Issues, Self-Destruction, dub-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2013-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-11 19:17:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/802241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ang_the_adverse/pseuds/ang_the_adverse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean pulls back on that thought. He doesn’t really feel that resentful. Being in a relationship with Cas is fucking amazing, and most of the time it more than overpowers the . . . bad bits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Take Me Somewhere New

**Author's Note:**

> 'non con' tag is more dub con. Really Dubious con. But there is no rapist. Kinda.

Dean can’t remember the first time he made the decision, but he can’t stop making it, he can’t turn back, partly because it’s familiar and easier, and partly because if he changed his behaviour now Castiel would _know_. What he’d been doing.

 

He hates that he has a psychological explanation for it too, because he doesn’t really trust his own diagnosis, and because he hates the reason he’s some up with.

 

He reckons he’s reverted to his regular modus operandi, from with the clients. (He’s almost come to terms with it in his own mind, but ever mentioning it is something that he won’t even consider. But suddenly it’s coming into his life again.)

 

It never would have if he had just kept on as usual, and hadn’t started a fucking _relationship_.

 

Dean pulls back on that thought. He doesn’t really feel that resentful. Being in a relationship with Cas is fucking amazing, and most of the time it more than overpowers the . . . bad bits.

 

Dean ignores the fact that his most recent during sex inner-monologues have included debates about the pros and cons and methods of breaking up with Cas.

 

Logically, he knows Cas won’t hurt him, and can take being rejected every now and again. But Dean doesn’t know how much rejecting he’d need to do to feel fully safe again, and he doesn’t actually think Cas can take that much without being hurt.

 

And, _God_ , he just really doesn’t want to hurt Cas. If there are two things in the world he wants, they’re to not hurt Cas and to not hurt Sammy.

 

And really, he’s had far less enjoyable sex before, so why not have thrice-weekly (or more) orgasms with Cas that he is only a little unreasonably scared of, because he knows he won’t tell Cas not to do anything Dean wouldn’t prefer to do. Because he totally could say something if he needed to. He just won’t.

 

And if Dean thinks about it he can’t help but wonder if this hasn’t been building for ages, since Dean stopped complaining about Castiel’s personal space invasions and public displays of affection because some of the time he liked them and Castiel always looked so god damned disappointed when Dean rejected him. It was better for Cas not to feel rejected like that. So Cas had blanket permission for a lot of things. He had for a long time. Dean supposes the list has only grown.

 

He’s never had a problem pushing the unnamed girls of his many one night stands away. But then, they couldn’t tug at Dean’s heartstrings, play Dean’s guilt like a fiddle without being in any way aware of their actions. Like Cas.

 

XXX

 

It’s not working. Cas thinks Dean doesn’t want him anymore, because he’s participating less in sex.

 

Dean tries to up his game, but now his constant thought in sex is ‘ _what if I change my mind, I can’t say no, I can’t even say ‘pause’, what if I change my mind?’_ and he’s barely even turned on and really, every movement he makes is encouragement, and he never wants things to get any heavier anymore in case.

 

He tries to reach out more anyway, pull at Castiel’s clothing, kiss and suck Cas off and hope he gets tired and they can just cuddle, because that would be just about loving Cas and not sex, which Dean would prefer.

 

XXX

 

If anyone notices something wrong, Dean reckons all they’ll see is Dean once again getting tired with a conquest and getting ready to move on, so he makes sure no-one sees any cracks. Cas doesn’t deserve people thinking that about him.

 

XXX

 

When Cas disappears again, Dean grieves – God he grieves – but there’s a tiny part in the back of his brain that’s relieved.

 

And Dean hates himself for it.

 


End file.
